This cracks me up. It was sent on a musicians mailing list I’m on. No one seems to know who wrote it—if you do, please let me know. Credit where credit is due, and so forth. Anyway:

How to Sing the Blues

by Stretch Melon Clinton

1. Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
2. “I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ’less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
3. The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat it. Then find something that rhymes— sort of: “Got a good woman with the meanest face in town. Got teeth like Austin Powers—and she weigh 500 pound.”
4. The Blues ain’t about choice. You stuck in a ditch, you stuck in a ditch; ain’t no way out.
5. Blues cars: Chevys and Cadillacs and broken-down trucks. Blues don’t travel in Volvos, BMWs, or Sport Utility Vehicles. Most Blues transportation is a Greyhound bus or a southbound train. Jet aircraft an’ state-sponsored motor pools ain’t even in the running. Walkin’ plays a major part in the blues lifestyle. So does fixin’ to die.
6. Teenagers can’t sing the Blues. They ain’t fixin’ to die yet. Adults sing the Blues. In Blues, “adulthood” means being old enough to get the electric chair if you shoot a man in Memphis.
7. Blues can take place in New York City but not in Hawaii or any place in Canada. Hard times in St. Paul or Tucson is just depression. Chicago, St. Louis, and Memphis still the best places to have the Blues. You cannot have the blues in any place that don’t get rain.
8. A man with male pattern baldness ain’t the blues. A woman with male pattern baldness is. A broken leg cuz you skied ain’t the blues. A broken leg cuz a gator be chomping on it is.
9. You can’t have no blues in no office or no shoppin’ mall. The lighting is all wrong. Go outside to the parking lot or sit by the dumpster.
10. Good places for the Blues:
    • Highway
    • Jailhouse
    • Empty bed
    • Bottom of a whiskey glass
    Bad places:
    • Ashrams
    • Gallery openings
    • Ivy League institutions
    • Golf courses
      
      
11. No one will believe it’s the Blues if you wear a suit, ’less you happen to be John Lee Hooker, and it looks like you slept in it.
12. Do you have the right to sing the Blues? Yes, if:
    
    • You’re older than dirt
      
    • You’re blind
      
    • You shot a man in Memphis
      
    • You can’t be satisfied
    No, if:
    • You have all your teeth
    • You were once blind but now can see
    • The man in Memphis lived
    • You have a retirement plan or trust fund
      
      
13. Blues is not a matter of color. It’s a matter of bad luck. Tiger Woods cannot sing the blues. Gary Coleman could. Ugly white people also got a leg up on the blues.
14. If you ask for water and Baby give you gasoline, it’s the Blues. Other acceptable Blues beverages are:
    • Wine
    • Whiskey or bourbon
    • Muddy water
    • Black coffee
      
      
15. The following are NOT Blues beverages:
    • Mixed drinks
    • Kosher wine
    • Snapple
    • Sparkling water
      
      
16. If it occurs in a cheap motel or a shotgun shack, it’s a Blues death. Stabbed in the back by a jealous lover is another Blues way to die. So is the electric chair, substance abuse, and dying lonely on a broken down cot. You can't have a Blues death if you die during a tennis match or while getting liposuction.
17. Some Blues names for women:
    • Sadie
    • Big Mama
    • Bessie
    • Fat River Dumplin’
      
      
18. Some Blues names for men:
    • Joe
    • Willie
    • Little Willie
    • Big Willie
      
      
19. Persons with names like Sierra, Sequoia, Auburn, and Rainbow or Joaquin (sorry, couldn’t resist) can’t sing the Blues no matter how many men they shoot in Memphis.
20. Make your own Blues name (starter kit):
    • Name of physical infirmity (Blind, Cripple, Lame, etc.)
      
    • First name (see above) plus name of fruit (Lemon, Lime, Kiwi, etc.)
      
    • Last name of President (Jefferson, Johnson, Fillmore, etc.)
      
      
    For example: Blind Lime Jefferson, or Cripple Kiwi Fillmore, etc. (Well OK, maybe not "Kiwi.")
21. As for you, I don't care how tragic your life is, you own a computer: you cannot sing the blues. You wanna sing the blues? You best destroy it.
    Some options: a spilled bottle of Mad Dog 20/20 or Thunderbird, or maybe fire, flood, better yet—shotgun. Maybe get your big woman to sit on it. I don’t care. Get rid of it.